I decided to sit and write another blog this morning. Some of the energy to do this is fueled by the concern I have seemed to raise around my last blog post and my Facebook confessions of late. I mentioned in one of the recent ones that a visitor came to my inner table again and instead of marching it out the door of my heart, I welcomed the "friend" to stay. A sister thought I was talking about depression, but what I actually was referring to was the feeling of being disillusioned. The feeling exasperated by Holger's last newsletter.
I washed dishes this morning, listening to the Lectio 365, my almost every day routine, unless I have to head out earlier for work, as it happens some days. The reflection was about peace. It is beautifully done, but I felt the wrestling in my heart.
The question in the reflection today was, "what is troubling your heart?..."
I decided it is time to write a bit about the space I am in.
After my melt down (emotional breakdown) which I shared about on my previous blog, I noticed that people approach me in a few different ways, in texts, comments and coffee dates. The common thread is encouraging me to more self care and rest.
Yesterday, a friend called that she had a little gift for me, we met in the parking lot of the shops where I was getting my glasses fixed because I took an afternoon nap on them on Sunday. She gave me duck socks and a scribbled hand written note about finding God's favour. It was such a sweet gesture and as I got in the car afterwards I reflected on the beauty of the moment. She acknowledged I was struggling and then asked why? Brutally honest as I have been called, I explained the hole is deep! Well, that is the summary of it all. I am really struggling to find a positive spin on my space I am in. I have not stopped believing in God, in fact I believe in Him more deeply, I see His work through me and faithful in the darkest nights. God is keeping me breathing and going. Then of course He uses His sweet people who reach out and encourage me to keep going. I am so grateful! Then why is my soul still so down cast?
The first thing as I sat down to write this blog this morning was to search on my computer in google "The Seven Year Itch", to see what comes up and it landed up being quite entertaining. I do not remember going through that in my marriage, but I was wondering if that was perhaps a thing with this adoption journey? Obviously, I was not looking in all seriousness, but I guess at this point I am pulling at straws trying to make sense of my heaviness and internal pain, that sadly leaks out as a short fuse with myself and in my marriage at times. The strain this is putting on our marriage breaks my heart.
I talk in training about approaching people in crisis, need, poverty etc. with the question of what has happened here to contribute to this situation.
I decided to ask myself the same question after my emotional breakdown, which looking back was coming on a while. Once I sat and worked in my journal, I realised that I had been taking strain for a while. I am so tired of broken promises in my story.
We started on the adoption journey seriously 8 years ago, after being seriously challenged about it 10 years ago. We had so many needs to be able to answer the call. We met with Kin Culture in this time, we never sought them out, we met through a social worker I needed on a camp that I was leading. They addressed every concern we had to being able to adopt; a house, schooling help, therapy and medical aid. Sadly things did not go as they wanted either and we landed up having to leave the farm, closer to schools and find a house, a short 18 months later.
The house for the dream, has been a long time struggle in my heart! People who have walked with us for years know the journey. Finding home was a big theme for me. When things opened up for us to get given a home to fulfill the dream we carried in our hearts, I was smitten, agreeing to loving and caring for 4 extra children, even 6 when my biological kids grew up and moved out did not feel like a hard choice...the future felt bright!
After that fell apart, the amazing miracle that seemed to allow us to qualify to buy a home, adopt kids, help from friends who bought us a bus and...soothed the loss for a while. There are so many gifts along the way, the struggle remained. I am still truly grateful for it all.
The insurance payment, interest rate, utilities bill, keeping up with the continually breaking pool, leaking roof and monthly mortgage has taken it's toll on me. Simply, because we just can not afford it all! The children we have in our care need extra support and care. We can't even address this without stress, but we are doing our best.
This has sent me into a bit of an existential spin, but also not sure how to get out? I think it has a lot to do with feeling like I am needing so much help and this puts me in a vulnerable place. I want to be able to be an encouragement to people to adopt and foster, but...
Having to ask for help is hard, vulnerable and risky. I am failing at being a positive witness.
After all needing so much help to do this 8 years ago, put us at a huge risk of believing what ever was said to us. In the euphoria of the moment, the seemingly strong support around us. It was so easy...
I miss the days when I was helper. I had resources to share...
...this is a very hard place to be!
Even if we try and sell our home now, we will never get the price we loaned from the bank to buy it. All the cosmetic fix ups done by previous owners covered the real state of the home, the "cracks"only started showing up a year later. Struggling to keep up with house payments means we cant even address these needs. I am not even sure any more what we need in this season.
This has taken it's toll on my health, both physically and mentally...
This is hard!
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