One of my favourite times of the year since I was child is Easter. I have such fond memories of St. Andrew's Presbyterian in Benoni at this time. Easter was always something special and the choirs and dramas and when I was 12 we sang on TV and went on a tour with the production of Messiah. I met Jesus over and over at Easter.
When I go through hard times I often return in my head to the foot of the cross and the empty tomb. The belief in the death and Resurrection of Jesus, has got me through dark times before.
As Easter was approaching this year, I noticed that I was not feeling nostalgic or even thinking about how to make it special for my children, as this has always been my positioning. Children get to meet with God and His heart and ways at these special times of the year.
I had been asked to read at the Tenebrae service and I agreed, even though I felt very anxious. On the Wednesday before Easter, Candice came and hung out with my children for two hours and did all sorts of amazing Easter activities with them. She prepared the whole lesson/experience on the story of Easter and how to apply it to today. Lulu made me some beautiful little cards and it reminded me about what I have done so far, what I have taught in the years I felt stronger about the Rescuer God.
On that night I went to the practice run for the service and I was deeply touched by the effort put into it all and the team work. I did not read that night, but we positioned ourselves, checked sound and it was clear to me that this was a big thing and that it had been put together in prayer and contemplation.
On the Thursday morning I sat down to practice reading my scriptures I had been given. I had the opening scripture about Abraham being asked to sacrifice his son. What a difficult read, I thought. How would I read it well and I felt challenged in my heart to read it with integrity.
What would it be like to go on a journey with God to sacrifice my son, after He had made such big promises to me. I read it with that journey in my heart. I got into the story. I was ready.
What I was not ready for was how God would meet me with the scripture... Genesis 22;1-12 NLT
One of the things often said to me on this journey by mostly Islamic people when they see me with my kids, is that I am going straight to heaven. Yesterday, after a difficult meeting with a support teacher at the school, as she walked with me to the door was that same sentence again... "You are going straight to heaven!" My heart sighed, as I thought that a little bit of heaven now would be nice (keeping that in my head) as I smiled back, saying 'Thank You' ... knowing that good works do not get anyone to heaven.
I tell that story to give a context of why the scripture shook me in a positive way. I have written two very hard blogs in the last week. Here I am writing again. I know that I did not go on this journey with adoption to be a good person, or to earn rights to heaven or for the praise of men. I did it simply because I really believed God asked me to open my home in 2014.
I realised that I had like Abraham obeyed, I went to the altar and I put my family as it was on it... I gave it up. I think in retrospect I may have felt that my current family should have been better, easier, wonderful now... or else I would not be struggling of late?! After all, I said in a previous blog about the 'Giants in the Land', being the things that had kept me from doing adoption before. However, the thing that struck me in the story was what God said to Abraham through the Angel. "I know you fear me"
Is God testing us? Checking how much we love Him? It dawned on me that God was looking for Abraham's heart in it all. I realised that maybe there was a reframing to this hard place I find myself in? What if it was about love. Do I love God? My family did love when we went on this journey, the yes came from all 5 of us. We responded to the orphan crisis because we felt we had love to give. I have grown weary. The sacrifice has started feeling too great and too expensive and too lonely etc. I have this overwhelming feeling that I am not enough, BUT, what if God is still seeking me out on this journey? If it is a sign that I loved Him that I obeyed giving up what felt dearest to me, should this not be my daily walk and strength.
I love God, that is why I keep loving this family and walking through the hard stuff, because God has been right here with me, but feeling quite distant at times. I should not loose heart because I have seen the provision on the journey in the last 8 years, why would I start believing that God would fail us now? By getting up out of the disillusionment, trying to continue doing my best by these kids, my biological children and my marriage, I am showing that I do trust and love God, I do love them. As I find His heart, He finds mine and I get the strength to love, keep going and keep serving. The only way to keep going to is to rest in the power of love. The unconditional love of God, that gives me strength to keep loving on this journey. It is my job to keep accepting this and receiving it!
It is time for me to stand at that altar again and give up my prerequisites of what this is supposed to look like in order for me to feel loving. That is not the prerequisite, I show love by getting up and showing up and giving my yes to this adoption journey over and over again accessing love. It is simply saying yes to the next request and seeing what flows from that place. Strength comes because I love and I know the source of love!
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