Foggy Season

 Just over a year ago, a very dear friend, challenged me very kindly.  She wanted to know why I was so introverted and not reaching in at a ladies meeting at my church we were attending together. She told me she did not recognise me in that space and I could not answer her, but I knew something was wrong.  I took the risk that night and filled out a form to say I was interested to join a growth group, honestly only because Tanya was watching me.  I was not sure what I was going to do if I was contacted. I was alerted though...and knew I needed help.

I was contacted and invited to a group.  I knew the lady and I decided to go.  That first night I attended I was very anxious, but they won me over quickly and I found myself blurting to the ladies about my vulnerable space and my breakdown in friendships and the reality that in it all, no one seemed to really tell me what it was I was doing wrong.  They just seem to cut ties and dramatically.  I was feeling shamed, alone and convinced I did not have anyone besides my husband who liked me.  I was in a very bad place...

I think in retrospect what led up to this place was a combination of complex things and losses over a few years, Moriah-Jane leaving SA, on top of my job at the church coming apart as we started the adoption journey and staying in that church place being impossible for my heart... then Kin Culture journey and Moriah-Jane's childhood abuse story becoming clearer, Jessica's mental health and other challenges, like the mugging...my mom moving to Prince Albert!  I was left feeling like an absolute failure as a mom, wife, friend, daughter... but working my self silly every day to keep going at work and at home. My dysfunction was screaming in my face.  Covid feeding scheme stuff had become what felt like a hungry monster, I was missing the training room... I was lonely.  I was reeling, I wish I could have put it all in words that night to my dear friend Tanya, but I couldn't yet!  I put it to my new growth group as few words and tears a few weeks later.

I was met with overwhelming love and grace that night and the ladies continued to show love and care after my melt down in their midst.  I was not able to yet put the paragraph above in coherent thought, but I had a deep feeling... and I was met in that vulnerable place with care, compassion and love. They checked in and prayed for weeks.

I continued to try pick up out of the space and I found myself in and by the end of last year, I was trying to come up with a way to celebrate my 50th.  It was in the process of reflecting on my life, my friends and my journey that I realised I did have friends and they had been there for all of my journey in Cape Town.  I had just lost myself in my work, the Covid years and the parenting journey I am on.  I invited people to my birthday and things really started turning around as the fog that had clearly settled on me, began to lift... as I had one conversation after the next reconnecting.

How did I get into that place?  Why was I in that place?  Why was I blind to it?  Why did I have to be shaken out of it?

I believe I got some answers on my sick bed in the last few days, by reading.  I have been reading a lot again in the last year.

I want to share the links to the books and encourage anyone who finds themselves in an isolated place and feeling shamed and feeling like you have no friends, especially if you have gone through loss and grief to read these books.

I am happy to say I had time to read intensely in the last few days, because I was not allowed to get out of bed.  I have help and people caring for me.  I would hate to think what this past week would have looked like if it happened a year ago.  It feels like it had to melt down to become so clear... that there has been a miraculous shift in a year.

I am grateful for safer spaces, new friends and my old friends who graciously let me apologise for loosing the plot.

The latest books I have read that really helped me are...

Aundi's new book Strong Like Water and Dr. Cloud's book Trust that I devoured in the last few weeks. 

 I read these two books this past weekend with links below that gave me some valuable insight. 

Something is not right! and Redeeming Power.

At no point in our lives should we be battling shame and isolation.  People should be telling us the truth in love, giving us an opportunity to make right and grow, even if it is time to let go the friendship.  No person should ever be left in a place of feeling something is wrong with them and they do not know what it is!  I am grateful for God's grace in my story.

I feel so empowered to go forward in a safe place.  I hope many people that have been struck down will find hope and future.  Isolation and shame is not the answer! Living in a community of truth telling lovers of Jesus is!