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| For 29 years God has been meeting in this place in special ways! |
My
favourite times in my life are when I simply know in my heart that I am sitting
in a moment when God is working deep in my heart and opening my eyes to see
what I could not see before. This latest
moment happened for me in my in-law’s lounge in Germany. I after being married into the family for 26
years looked around the room and saw as with new eyes how deeply loved I
was. I had never felt this love and welcome before. I was able to allow the love in and sit with
it. Why now? Why did it take so long? Tears of gratitude and grief filled my eyes.
I cannot begin
to explain how long I hustled in my life while especially visiting Germany simply to feel enough. Most of my visits I visited in the space of
feeling less than and not welcome? It
was only by the confrontation of my children of their need to keep me happy
that I realised how serious this was and how badly it had affected all. The moment was at the end of a long soul search I was on, as I was unpacking my long history of dancing with narcists and facing my co-dependency head on.
I was in this season of very deep reflection on the core lies of rejection and abandonment before
I went to Germany. I was trying to make
sense of my current battles with my health and my battle with mental health especially
in the last 18 months. God was doing a
deep work in my heart to get my validation from Him alone and not from what I
do or who says they love me. This has
been a deep work of love in my heart.
The sad
part of all of this for me, while I sit in the delight of my new experience of being
deeply loved is that my in-laws have got old and alzheimers is robbing us of
our precious memories, but I got a chance to have precious moments with them
and together laugh over how silly we are to believe the things we believe, but
how things stick deeply in our hearts from childhood. They both shared deep childhood memories and
stories with me too.
These
precious moment of authentic heart to heart sharing and together coming to
realisation of how precious we all are to each other was priceless. These are moments I will treasure forever.
My work is
to help others to find these moments before they are turning fifty. This is the mission of 'me and my ducks'!
I am grateful
for the work I get to do, for the way God uses my story and how He is healing
my biological family for the high price they paid having a mama with a wounded
heart. Their love, forgiveness, and
acceptance of me is the greatest gift a mama can hold. The embrace from my family this trip to Germany when I told them my story will forever be a moment of safety I will remember.
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