Loop Holes

It has been quite an adjustment taking a little life into our home and taking an extra three little girls into our hearts as the social workers prepare all the paper for them to join our family.  It is a confusing waiting game and here I was thinking that everything would be up and running by the first of February.  I had school set up and beds set up and my heart set up… but still we wait.  It seemed the wait might be long.  I do not wait very well…

However, in some ways it may even go quicker now as the social worker let me know on Thursday that there is a” loop hole”!  The transition period put in place when removing girls from an institution they love could have been much longer… however after spending two days with them in the past two weeks at our home and months of visiting them, they are ready to come home now.  All their social workers are trying hard to speed up the process for us…  while staying within the bounds of the law.

I mentioned in my first blog about this next season that there were some blockages to me doing this earlier.  One of the things I have caught myself saying as I talk about this decision and doing it now, I am saying things like, I am so grateful I got to get through one season of parenting to see that I can do this and I can trust the process of parenting.

I felt ready and I thought that Holger and I can do this…

However, I want to share something with you that I have learnt on my first journey as a young mom that now impacts my new season.  I tried so hard to be perfect mom when Moriah-Jane, Jess and Dan were small and very soon that dream begun to crumble and a settled to being the best mom I can be.  The best mom who did well in some things and not so great at others.  My first part of my journey as a mom was the loneliest time of my life and I remember feeling like an utter failure when my babies cried or I could not make life better for them.  I had a difficult journey during my early years of bringing up Daniel especially because I mostly felt like I was failing him…. For those who do not know he was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum and did not speak till 4 adding to that other medical challenges.  I felt so responsible.  However, he learnt to talk and he is growing into an amazing man.  I grew so much because of this…

I thought I had overcome my blockage to being afraid of being a bad mom…

Last week we had a rough day with BELOVED.  Teething seems to be hard for him and pain seems to set off something a little scary in him and I felt myself getting afraid.  I was afraid again that I would fail.  I was afraid that I have taken on too much… I was afraid that I would not be good enough for him.  I was so ashamed of my fear.  I thought I had overcome this.  I thought I was healed…

I took a brave step this time.  I reached out and spoke to a friend.  I asked for help!  I got support and very practical help and I was reminded again… that I am not alone on this journey.  I am not perfect, and that is ok because I am a good mom. We are not perfect parents, but we are good parents who love our children very much. I am going to with support give my seven children what they need.  There is a “loop-hole” in the journey I am taking this time around… I can ask for support and I am so grateful for it.

I want to give a shout out to my support team.  Thank you for the ways you are all helping me… and mostly to the God of the UNIVERSE who is supporting me in ways that astound me.  Thank you, Father, for the way you love me and how You are teaching me to love these little ones.